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Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Monday, September 9, 2013

Random Monday - September 9, 2013

When I say or do something that Little Man doesn't like (i.e. tickle him when he's done playing), he'll cry out, "You hurt my feelings!"

I found a Piddle Pad at Goodwill the other day for a dollar and snatched it up.  I hadn't put it away yet when I saw Princess laying on her stomach on the floor with the Piddle Pad on her head.
"Why are you wearing that on your head?" I asked.
"Because it wanted to be on my head." was her reply.

I almost died laughing when Princess asked if she could watch "Diarrhea Princess".  What she was really asking to watch was Princess Diaries.

Little Man: "Mommy, can I have my scissors?"
Me: "Yes, but before I give them to you, what are you going to cut up?"
Little Man: "Oh, nothing."
Me (instantly suspicious): "Really?  So what are you going to do with them?"
Little Man (nonchalantly): "Just cut the lid off that black thing in the kitchen.  That's all."
Me: "Oh, you mean cut the lid off the canister of raisins I just got done telling you that you couldn't have, right?"
Little Man (still nonchalant): "Yup.  That's all.  Can I have my scissors?"
Me: "I appreciate your honesty, but no."

All the back-to-school pictures I saw from my friends on Facebook had happy, smiling children posing with new backpacks.  This is what I got while we were waiting for the bus.


Way to break your mom's heart, kid...

The bus shed forgot to call us that morning to tell us that they were changing the bus route.  Instead of stopping at 7:10 like we were originally told, the bus came at 7:45.  We spent almost an hour total waiting outside for the bus.  And then, when it finally came, it drove right past us and went to my in-laws' house because most people don't know about that a second family with the same last name lives on our road.  What a wonderful start to the school year...  


Thursday, August 1, 2013

How to Get Your Kids to Clean Up Their Toys in 24 Hours

If you think this is going to be one of those "try this trick on your kids and in 24 hours flat, they'll be rushing to clean up their toys like it's the best thing in the world" posts, than you're wrong.  Sooooooo very wrong.

Just as the title says, this post will tell you how to get your kids to clean up their toys is only 24 hours time.

Here's the timeline:

6:59 AM: Wake up with the baby and give her a bottle.  While you're sitting on the couch, half asleep, you look around the living room and realize that there isn't even a path across the room because of all the toys on the floor.

7:15 AM: The kids awake (grumpily, of course) and make their way to the living room.  You inform them that they need to get their toys picked up right away after breakfast.

8:42 AM: The kids are finally done arguing and complaining about breakfast and are ready to move on to the next fun activity.  You throw away more food than you gave them (how do they do that?), and clean the kitchen quickly so you can supervise the toy clean-up before they get anything else out.

10:32 AM: You've been directing clean-up for almost two hours now and so far they've picked up 4 toys and dumped 5 more out.  You realize that they're still in their pjs and you need to run to town to pick up milk and mail a package.

11:19 AM: All three kids are dressed and ready to go so you all head out the door to run errands.

12:01 PM: You forgot to mail the package, but at least you remembered to get milk.  Everyone is grumpy as they walk in the door because they're hungry and it's lunchtime NOW.  You throw a frozen pizza in the oven and instruct the kids to each pick up 5 toys in the 15 minutes it'll take for the pizza to bake.

12:16 PM: The pizza is done, but the kids haven't picked up one toy yet.  You threaten to eat the whole pizza yourself if they don't hurry up.  Wailing and gnashing of teeth occur (mostly because they've seen you eat a whole frozen pizza yourself and know that you're really not kidding), and they agonizingly pick up their five toys apiece although you can tell that it's physically painful for them.

12:26 PM: The pizza is GONE, and you only got one piece.  The living room is still a mess, but now it's rest time so you lay them down for naps and caution them to be quiet for 1 hour.

2:30 PM: Rest time didn't go well so you tacked another hour onto their "naps" which means that you spent an extra hour yelling down the hall to "be quiet and go to sleep!"  The kids get up, and you tell them that before they can play with their toys, they need to clean up what's already on the floor.  You assign them specific jobs ("You pick up the tractors and put them in that box, and you pick up the blocks and put them in that box) because that's how a smart mom gets her kids to clean up messes.

5:18 PM: 2 tractors and 4 blocks have been picked up and the kids have spent almost 3 hours playing with the toys they were supposed to have cleaned up.  Of course, every time you tell them to quit playing and pick up, they feebly lift a toy several inches into the air and whine that they are picking up.  You inform them that bedtime is at 7 and if the toys are not picked up very soon, they will miss supper.     

Source: Proverbs 31 Ministries


6:14 PM: After much screaming, yelling, arguing, and crying, there is finally a small clean spot in the middle of the living room floor.  The kids happily proclaim that it is officially clean and, because you're so sick of fighting, so you tell them to go eat their supper so they can go to bed early.

7:04 PM: Bedtime.  'Nuff said.

7:33 PM: You flop down on the couch, exhausted and turn the tv on.

7:48 PM: The mess in the living room is really annoying you, plus you just can't fathom having another day like this one tomorrow.  You decide to do a quick cleaning and organizing spree of the kids' toys.  Then tomorrow, you will keep a close eye on them so you can make sure they pick up what they were playing with before taking something else out.

9:27 PM: The toys are all organized in the right boxes and stacked neatly on the shelves.  You step back and admire your work.  Time for bed!
 
The next morning...

6:59 AM: You wake up with the baby and gaze admiringly at the organized toy area in the living room.  You promise yourself that you won't let it get messed up today.

7:15 AM: The kids wake up and come out to the living room.  They survey the beautiful clean-ness of the toys, and the 5 year old turns to you and happily exclaims, "See, Mommy!  It's all clean now!  The cleaning fairy must have fixed it while we were sleeping!" (side note: This is not an exaggeration.  This is a direct quote from this exact scenario.)  You explain that Mommy worked very hard to clean it last night, and they need to keep it clean today so Mommy doesn't go completely insane.  Then you go into the kitchen to make breakfast.  

7:22 AM: You come out of the kitchen to tell them that breakfast is ready.  Every. single. box. has been dumped out and the shelves are cleared.  You officially go insane. 


Okay, I lied.  The actual title for this post should be "How to Clean Up Your Kids Toys Yourself in 24 Hours with a Maximum Amount of Stress"

How do you get your kids to clean up their toys?




Wednesday, July 31, 2013

10 Rookie Parenting Mistakes I Still Make


I've been a mom for 5 1/2 years now.  During that time, I've made a lot of mistakes.  One would think that 5 1/2 years and 3 kids later, I would have learned from my mistakes and would be a little smarter, but...

I have two words for you...Mom Brain.  


 
Here are 10 rookie parenting mistakes that I still make.  Frequently.  

1. Sweeping the kitchen floor while the baby is still eating in her high chair.  Even if, by some miracle, she doesn't throw all her food on the floor while laughing hysterically, it will rain mushed up food when I take her out of the high chair. 

Read the rest of this post here.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Random Monday-July 8, 2013


I was feeding Star a jar of baby food and when the jar was finished, she started begging for more.  I gave her some Gerber puffs and asked her, "Where are you putting all this food?!?"  Across the table from me, Little Man answered my rather obvious question...
Little Man: "In her mouth!"

I gave Little Man a toddler spoon with his applesauce.  He looked at it and said in disgust, "Mommy, 'dis a little spoon.  I not little, I big!"

Upon her request, I spread butter on Princess's waffle one morning for breakfast.  She looked at it and grinned, "It's like it has sunscreen on it!"

Today, Little Man was telling me all about his weekend.  Not what we actually did this weekend, but his own version which means he was basically making it up as he went along.  I wasn't paying much attention until this sentence..."I went on a trip and my friend went tripping with me!"
o_O



On a completely different note, I dare you to watch this video of Star and not at least crack a smile.




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Sunday, June 30, 2013

5 Things To Do With Leftover Frosting



When I make cakes for the kids' birthdays, I usually end up with some leftover frosting.  Sometimes it's leftover homemade frosting, sometimes it's from a can of frosting, and sometimes it's a little leftover from a tube of decorating frosting.  No matter what kind it is, I firmly believe that frosting is the best part of a birthday cake, and that the cake is pretty much just a carrier for the frosting.  No way am I throwing frosting away. 

Here are 5 things you can do with leftover frosting:

1. Eat it straight out of the bowl/can/tube. 

2. Make graham cracker or saltine cracker sandwiches.  The kids love this.


Princess enjoying a graham cracker frosting sandwich

3. Feed it to the kids right before they go to Grandma's for a few hours.  Call it sweet revenge.

4. Make cookies.  This recipe is genius!

5. Melt it in the microwave for a few seconds and drizzle over ice cream.

What do you like to do with leftover frosting?  Which do you like better...the cake or the frosting?


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Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Baby Who Eats and Baby Mugging

Yes, this is yet another post about Star.  It kind of seems like I focus on her a lot these days.  My mom was looking through my Facebook albums a while ago and reminded me that I have two other children as well.  Yes, but when I take pictures of them, they goof off or run away or refuse to stand still for 2 seconds.  Star just sits there and looks adorable when I get the camera out.

You know how most moms have a TON of pictures of their oldest child, a few less of their second one, and hardly any of the kids that come after that?  I'm backwards.  I've gotten more camera happy with each baby that came along.  The older two didn't get their pictures professionally taken until they were 6 months old, but I made sure to get newborn pictures taken of Star.  She's obviously my favorite child, haha!

Speaking of Star....because I do a lot of that these days.

The kid can eat.  This is so strange to me because the older two were not crazy about eating.  Little Man actually hated eating and went through a stage where he would literally scream when I put food in front of him.  So yeah, having a baby who actually loves to eat is completely foreign to me.

She's such a little peanut-at 7 months of age she still weighs under 15 pounds-so I'm not sure where she's putting all the food she eats.  Her standard eating schedule goes something like this:
7:30 am-6 ounces of formula, 4 ounces of pureed baby food
10:00 am-4 ounces of formula
1:00 pm-4-6 ounces of formula, 4 ounces of pureed baby food
4:00 pm-4 ounces of formula
6:00 pm-4 ounces of pureed baby food
7:30 pm-6 ounces of formula
She basically still eats every 3 hours throughout the day.  My sister's 2 week old baby eats every 4-5 hours (which completely floors me.  My girls ate every 1 1/2 hours until they were over a month old).

My little sister fed Star carrots for the first time this week while she was babysitting.  Here's the picture she texted me:

Baby eating
Can't you just hear Oliver Twist's voice? "Please sir, may I have some more?"

Have you heard of baby mugging?  It's the latest meme trend started by Ilana Wiles at Mommy Shorts.  Here's my contribution.



"Get me out of this mug!"


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Monday, April 15, 2013

Random Monday - April 15, 2013

First, of all, if you're new to my blog, welcome to my Random Monday series.  It's exactly what it sounds like...random!  There are a lot of things I'd like to write on my blog because I want to remember it later and share it with others who might like it, but these things don't always constitute their own blog post.

Enjoy the randomness!
  
Last week, Little Man came up to me and sorrowfully said, "I'm doing an owie dance. I need a treat."

Today, while eating breakfast in the kitchen, I heard this...
Little Man: "Princess! Stop looking at me!  MoooooooooOm, Princess is looking at me."
The kid is 2.  TWO.  I did not think I had to worry about this scenario for at least a few more years.  *sigh*

I took some pictures of Star the other day.  Most of them turned out super cute like this one: 


And then there were a few bloopers like this.  I call this one "Spot the Photobomb."


I've been making house-divided football shirts and onesies for a while now for my Etsy shop and they've been pretty popular.


I also make house divided dresses for little girls.

 A couple of weeks ago, a customer requested an Air Force/Navy divided onesie, and I love the way it turned out.  Think I should add these to my shop?  I would be able to make them with any branch of the military.



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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Blooper Reel

We all have them...those blackmail blooper pictures that didn't quite make the family album, but were just too funny to throw out or delete.  Here are some of my favorites:

Princess at about 5 months old. Apparently, my camera flash was a little too bright for her.

The cousins! Princess and the 2 cousins who are her age in in the back row when they were all two years old.  Little Man and the 2 cousins who are his age are on the couch when they were all just a few months old.  It was a "fun" photoshoot.

Little Man was propped in a sitting position next to his cousin, but fell over just as I took the picture.

Little Man was terrified of the photographer.  Princess's expression pretty much sums up the photoshoot.

Princess and Little Man were doing a photoshoot for my website and Little Man was DONE with pictures.  Princess tried to keep him from running away, but didn't quite succeed.

Another product photoshoot gone wrong with Little Man.  He's just not into the modeling like his big sister.

This was about the 378th picture taken of the kids when they came to visit me and Star in the hospital.  By that time, they'd had it with cameras.  Little Man looks like he'd rather be just about anywhere else, Star was worn out from looking so cute, and Princess's face was so tired from smiling that she had to use her hand to hold her cheeks in a smile.  Also, isn't the floating baby thing just a little creepy?

Little Man enjoying (?) a piece of pizza.  I still have no idea what prompted that expression.

Did you come up with any captions for these pictures?  I'd love to hear them!  Share them in the comments and they may get featured on the blog.

This post is linked up at Growing Up Geeky



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Friday, January 4, 2013

My Kids' New Years Resolutions

Being the little darlings they are, my children are always looking for ways to better themselves.  The precious angels even sat down this New Year's Eve to write New Year's Resolutions for themselves.  Here they are...

Princess:
1. I will not ask my mom the same question 17 times in a row when she answered me the first time.  Even if I don't like her answer.

2. I will pick up my toys when asked to instead of acting like using my toy-picking-up muscles will most likely kill me.

3. I will stop using my special powers to make it look like Mommy hasn't washed my face in weeks when we go to school or church even though she scrubbed my face thoroughly right before we left the house. 



Little Man:
1. I will stop thinking it's funny to make Bob the Builder cry by peeing in my Bob the Builder underwear.

2.I will accept the fact that Mommy and Daddy have to say no to me sometimes and hearing "that word" does not, in fact, destroy my entire universe.

3. I will stop getting out of bed at night 38 minutes after my parents put me in there to walk out in the living room and announce that I had a "goooooood nap." 


Star:
1. I will continue to be the sweetest, happiest baby on the planet.  I will not allow myself to go through one of those phases that completely change a baby's personality.

2. I will take notes on my brother's potty training progress/non-progress so I will be ready to potty train myself in 2 days flat in the year 2014. 

3. I will not stop eating food when I turn one like my older siblings did.  I will embrace new and unusual foods and will not change my mind about what I like to eat every 94 minutes.




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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Conversations

I had this conversation with 4 year old Princess earlier today:

Me: I'm going to use the bathroom and then I'll be right back to play with you some more. 

Princess *slightly hysterical*: You mean you're going to leave us?!?!

Me: Um, no.  I'm going to the bathroom.  I'm not leaving the house.

Princess *Starting to sob*: But who's going to take care of us?!?!

Me: Seriously.  I'll be gone less than 2 minutes.  And besides, Daddy is standing right next to you.  I'm sure he can take care of you while I'm in the bathroom.

Princess *A little more hysterical*: Don't close the bathroom door!!!!!

Me: How come you get to close the bathroom door and I don't?!

Princess: Because I'm not a Mommy with kids!!

Hubby: Just go.  I'll hold her back.


*Sigh*.  We've been having some issues at my house lately.


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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Princessisms

Princess will be five in a few months and her language skills are improving daily.  Which sometimes makes me sad because I love how cute she talks sometimes.  Here are a few of my favorite things she says:

Drinky
Translation: Thirsty
Use it in a sentence: "I'm still drinky.  Can I have some more milk?"


Ge-naskin 
Translation: Nasty
Use it in a sentence: "Little Man's stinky diaper is soooo ge-naskin!"


Long sleeves up the top
Translation: Short sleeves
Use it in a sentence: "It's hot outside so I'm going to wear my pink shirt with the long sleeves up the top."


Long heels
Translation: High heels
Use it in a sentence: "I'm wearing my long heels with my princess dress so I can look pretty."


Brooming
Translation: Sweeping
Use it in a sentence: "Look, mommy!  I'm brooming the floor for you!"


Princess holding Star

 What are some cute things your kids say?


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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Why Baby Boy Still Isn't Here

After a couple of rather depressing posts, I think it's time for some humor.  I've come up with a list of reasons why Baby Boy is not interested in joining us out here.

1. We live in Minnesota and winter is coming.  If I could, I'd go hide someplace warm and cozy too and not come out until spring.  Newsflash: he's getting evicted anyways!  Suck it up, kid!

2. He has no name.  Poor thing is already suffering from third child syndrome.  We have a list of three names, but Hubby and I just can't agree on the final decision so we've been ignoring the fact that birth is imminent.  Besides, I'm hoping I'll have more leverage in the argument when I'm in labor.

3. He's heard his older siblings fighting and is scared to come out.  Somedays, I wish I could hide from them too.

4. He knows that I was somewhat secretly hoping for another girl and is afraid I'll try to put a bow in his hair.  Maybe he's seen this picture of his big brother... 

3 month old Little Man trying on a flower hat.  Love the expression on his face.

5. Right now, he gets to have chocolate and other goodies.  After he's born, he'll be on a strict diet of milk.  Plain old boring milk. 

6. He's heard the rumors that I'm a mean mom.  That's right, kid.  There will be no tv in your room, no cell phone or car until you can pay for it yourself, and if you're not out of the house by 18, I will be expecting a rent check.     



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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I Am THAT Mom

You know that mom who runs (or in my case, waddles) into the school 20 minutes late to pick up her kid from her second day of preschool?

That might have been me today...


Let's just say it's a good thing that Grandma works at the after-school daycare program two doors down from a certain little girl's preschool class.

Do you know what people assume when you're 9 months pregnant and 20 minutes late for something?

No, I'm not in labor.  Just not smart enough to pay attention to the clock.



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Saturday, August 25, 2012

A Typical Conversation

A typical conversation with Little Man these days...


Me: Do you want ketchup?
Little Man: Yes.
Me: *Takes ketchup out of fridge*
Little Man: Yes. No!  I wan' mus'erd (mustard)
Me: *Takes mustard out of fridge*  You want mustard?
Little Man: Yes.
Me: Are you sure you want mustard?
Little Man: Yes!  Mus' erd!
Me: *Opens lid for mustard*
Little Man: No!!!  Ketchup!!!
Me: Do you want mustard or ketchup?
Little Man: *Gives me a look that says, "how are you not getting this?"*  I wan' ketchup!
Me: *sigh* Yup.  You're a two year old.

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Don't forget to enter to win a free dalmation/cow print onesie and matching hat from KidsBlanks by Zoey!

 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Best Recipe Ever!

I found a very handy recipe on food.com that I just HAD to pass on to the rest of you!
 

Yup.  Those are ice cubes.  You can find the recipe here.  While you're there, check out the reviews.  You will literally be rolling on the floor laughing.

Here a few of my favorite reviews:

"I guess they turned out OK. I assumed, like muffins, you had to grease the pan first. They did come out nice and easy, but they made our drinks awfully greasy. Next time I will grease AND flour the pan. Anyone else have this same problem?"

"This recipe is horrible! Maybe I should have left them in longer than two minutes (the recipe doesn't say how long to leave them in the freezer so I just kind of guessed) but mine came out all watery. I won't be making these again."

"I was wondering if you had a crock-pot version for this recipe. I work long hours and I just don't have the time to invest in this kind of hands-on cooking, but they really look yummy."

"KILLER RECIPE! Now I know what that other compartment that gets super cold is for. It sure didn't keep my lettuce happy. I also vaguely remember Ice Cubes from my childhood. G'ma made them for special occasions."

"The ice cubes were literally frozen and made my tea, coffee, soup unpleasantly cold. Besides, I prefer fresh to frozen ingredients. Sharon123's recipe for boiled Water is much better."
Sidenote: I also found this recipe for Boiled Water.  Once again, read the reviews.
Sidenote 2: I could've used the recipe for Boiled Water when I was a teenager.  While boiling water for pasta one evening, I sat down to read a book and ended up literally "burning water".  My mom, as you can imagine, was thrilled when she had to throw out the ruined pan.  

Incidentally, when my not-so-culinarily-inclined sister got married, I made her a cookbook with some of my favorite easy recipes.  The first section of the book included recipes for ice cubes, boiled water, and toast.  Yup, I'm that sister.


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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Pros of Being Pregnant and Overdue

Yes, I know my due date isn't for another 4 weeks, but Princess was 2 weeks overdue and Little Man was 1 week late.  I'm not exactly holding out hope that this one will be early or even on time.


As any pregnant woman will tell you, the last few weeks are the hardest and take the longest, especially when your due date comes and goes without any sign of a baby to reward you for 9 months of nausea, fatigue, discomfort, lack of sleep, etc.

Since I will more than likely be joining the overdue club again this time, I thought I'd make a list of the pros of being overdue to cheer me up once I pass my due date.

1. The looks on people's faces are hilarious when they ask you when your due date is, and you nonchalantly say "9 days ago."  Most are imagining your water breaking right there in front of them and having to deliver the baby themselves.  YOU know this isn't going to happen, but go ahead and have a little fun with them by faking a contraction or something like that.  You deserve it.   

2. A little more time to get ready for the baby.  Unless you're already done with all the preparations.  Then that packed hospital bag and perfect nursery will seem to be mocking you every day.  Okay, this may not be a pro.  Never mind.

3. You can finally let your true feelings show when someone thinks they're being cute by asking every time they see you, "Haven't you had that baby yet?"  You're overdue, go ahead and give them that snarky reply you've had composed in your head for the last 2 or 3 weeks.

4.  No waiting in line!  Nobody wants you to go into labor while waiting in a long line at Target to return that 3rd diaper pail you got for your baby shower.  See Pro #1. 

5.  Ummmmmmmmmm.........................

Okay, this is getting hard.  Frankly, being overdue is, well, lousy.  I give up.

Do you have anything I can add to the list?


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Monday, June 4, 2012

Things I Never Thought I'd Say

"Don't spit in your aunt's pocket."

"Stay off the roof."

"Stop licking the grocery cart."

"No, we are not going to put a hairbow in your brother's hair for church."

"Hands don't go in the toilet."

"Don't use your fork to comb your hair."

"Peel your banana before you eat it."

"If you're hungry, I'll get you a snack.  Just please stop eating your boogers."

"Why are there cornflakes in your shoe?"

"No, no, no.  Take your old underwear off before you put the new ones on."

"Take your meat out of your ear."

"Please stop throwing yourself against the wall."

"If you can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm going to take them away!"


What strange things do you find yourself saying? 

This post is linked up Growing Up Geeky!


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